Teaching. Is. So. Freaking. Hard.

Today was the day that fourteen, seven-year old first-grade remediation students broke me. After surviving a full week and half of instruction time in the classroom, today tipped me over the edge and I found myself crying in frustration and anger as I walked out of Room 102 at Dogan Elementary in the 5th Ward in Houston, Texas. Although I have only been at Institute in Houston for three weeks and been actually instructing at Dogan for 1.5 weeks, I know I have grown exponentially in the areas of humility and knowledge. To give some context to my current life, here are just a few occurrences that happened in my first two weeks in the classroom and moments of shock that my fellow teachers experienced....

• breakfast duty every morning is my time to break up fights between 2nd graders who talk bad about each others' mothers and threaten to cut one another (I wish I were kidding)
• academic intervention hour with my class - wild. My small group of 5 students (which are in the second highest reading group in the class) are reading on a pre-kindergarten level.
• One student, Georgan, told another student in our class to "F*** OFF" my first day in the classroom as an instructional lead teacher
  
• Our special education student, Patricia, told us that she watched her brother commit suicide last year and then continued to answer a math question we were working on the board without a hesitation or extra comment
  
• When I told one little boy, Elijah, that I think he is smart and can do even better work, he said "I am not smart and will never be smart. I hate school and I hate learning. I can't wait until I don't have to come anymore."
  
• Timothy got "potty-trained" the week before we took over the class because no one at home had ever taught him anything about personal hygiene and using the restroom.
• Georgan has anger issues and after talking to her this morning over breakfast, it turns out she's living with her grandmother and aunties who are raising her and her six brothers and sisters.
  
• Twins Sir and Sincere's parents are both in jail and they haven't seen them in a "long time"
• Ray wore the same shirt every day and didn't appear to have showered last week.
  
• One kindergarten child down the hall asked his male TFA teacher, Mr. Busby, when he was going to jail. When Mr. Busby responded saying that he wasn't going to jail, the little boy laughed and told him "Yes you are. All men go to jail. My dad is in jail, my uncle is in jail, and someday I'll go to jail too" and walked away.
• Cameron and Timothy got in an all out fist fight, bruises and all, on the way to lunch because Timothy looked at Cameron the wrong way. Cameron just joined our class last Thursday because he had been out of summer school due to off-campus suspension for fighting.
• Surveys TFA gave our class about class culture revealed that over 50% the class does not feel safe in the classroom and about 75% do not believe that when you go to school and learn, your brain grows and you get smart. My kids are their toughest critics and they're in the first grade.

Positive notes.... yes, they are frequent occurrences too :)

• Georgan's behavior has completely turned around and she is ready to learn and gets onto her fellow classmates for "wasting her learning time" multiple times a day
• Cameron made a deal that he will behave and act right if we teach him how to read
• The principal of the school complimented me and my co-teachers on our progress telling us that this is the first time these kids have ever been expected to sit in their seats and engage in learning none the less follow directions and perform well.
  

Just to be clear, I'm not sharing these "lovely" details from my first two weeks to elicit any kind of pity or "oh yikes, that sucks" response. I wanted to share just a snapshot of my experiences so far because it's one of the only ways I can think to best channel the anger I have about the lack of education, love, and respect my students have received in their first two/three years of formal education. I admit that I am an inexperienced teacher with a hell of a lot to learn (I mean duh) and every day is a struggle to maintain my composure and not quit.

What gets me out of bed in the morning is knowing that the low literacy skills that are currently present among my students will keep them from being successful in school. I come to school in the morning because my kids have never been told that someone else thinks they're smart and therefore don't think they can learn. My kids hate school and are in the 1st grade when all they should hate is cafeteria food and itchy socks. When I look my students in the eyes every morning and tell them that I HONESTLY believe in them and their ability to grow their brains and achieve their goals, I am looking the achievement gap in the face and ignoring the issues in my students' past and future educational opportunities is no longer possible.

That's all for my soapbox. Sorry if you've tried to call me or contact me in any way. TFA is like a time-warp - just ask any one of the 20 Vandy kids who are at Houston Institute. So much for escaping the VandyBubble :P Love, love.