Silence...is not so golden

So I have returned from New Staff Training with CRU, and as much as I loved florida and the people I met, I can tell you I am not missing that humidity. Though shout out to CRU for taking full advantage of the 5 weeks we were there, I definitely left florida significantly less tan then I came. The last three weeks hit pretty hard, it was so much fun and the community was amazing, but it was very tiring. God brought some cool opportunities into my life to see him work, but sometimes those situations just make you angry at the world and sin and brokenness. I also had the "am I really doing this" crisis before I took my missionary vows (that's right I am officially a missionary now, at least in the eyes of the IRS....bet you didn't know there were tax rules that went along with that, but guess what after 2 full days of info I do now.....). But I trust that this is where God has called me. So what am I doing now? Well now I am in ministry partner development, basically I get to go around and talk to people about the college campus as mission field, why I feel called and what I do. Initially I was not too thrilled about this part of it but it has been really cool to see how people have responded so far. It has been so eye opening realizing that I have the privilege not the obligation of inviting people to partner and invest in something eternal, my full time job is to let God use me as he comes to seek and save the lost. We are told at the end of the age all will be burned away but the foundation of Christ (1 Cor 3:10-15) and I have the opportunity to invite others to partner with me in how God is building his kingdom, and I've come to realize that despite my fears of rejection that is really cool!

Ok so I am at least for moment over my fears of rejection and excited about sharing my ministry with people....so where does that leave me now? Well following NST I stayed with Jesse a few days and got some great time with her and also a chance to talk with people down there. Then I came home and went down to my Grandparents (yes that's the Grandmother who sent those package's we all enjoyed in Rand....). Part of it was going to see them as they are both pretty sick, my Grandmother just finished her radiation for breast cancer and my Grandpap is having his thyroid destroyed this wednesday with nuclear medicine. The other part was I got to talk at their church and got to talk to a few more people. Then as I was getting ready to leave I started to not feel well and not wanting drive home 5 hours by myself I stayed an extra day. When I got home I came down with a cold and then the next morning woke up with no voice.

So that was about a week and half ago...still no voice. What is my current full time job? Talking to people about my ministry and networking....starting to see the problem? So if ya'll could be praying for me about that, that would be great.... The doctor says it is nothing serious and I just have to wait it out which is just incredibly frustrating. And the worse part is I have done nothing really productive with my time. I have sent a few emails to people I was already in contact with and started the correspondence course on the New Testament I am taking, but really it was quite a lot of tv and not a lot of God. Which is very humbling for someone going who is now a "professional christian", to look in my journal and see that when I should have been seeking God I was escaping elsewhere. But its a reminder about God's grace and my constant need for him, a reminder not to get comfortable because I can run from him just by standing still. There's a big part of me that wants to hide the fact that until yesterday I hadn't had a quiet time in over a week when all I had was time. But I was reading a book today on grace talking about how we don't earn or dis-earn God's blessings based on our performance, it is all simply a result of his Grace, his unmerited favor. I have seen how easy it is to fall away without realizing it and I thank God for this time, because it reminds me how much I don't have it together and why I need God's grace. I can't show people God's love when I am not receiving it, and I can't receive it without seeing my need for it. So here I am realizing silence is not so golden, not so much because I am without a voice now, but because when it is between God and me I am missing out on the only thing worth shouting for.